


two steps away

by ednae



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, Coming Out, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Multi, Queerplatonic Relationships, aroace tanaka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:49:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ednae/pseuds/ednae
Summary: Ryuu has a crush on Nishinoya.He thinks.





	two steps away

**Author's Note:**

> Tanaka is a dumbass asexual, save him.

Tanaka Ryuunosuke has never come out to anyone.  Frankly, the idea has never much crossed his mind.  He’s too good at pretending to be straight to stir up any suspicion, and even if he wanted to tell someone, he never had any friends close enough to him.

Saeko probably knows, he thinks, but if she does she doesn’t say anything and lets him go at his own pace.  He’ll come out to her first, if at all. He owes that to her, at least.

That’s what he’s been telling himself for years, ever since he realized way back in grade school that something was different about him.  He’ll come out to Saeko first. Saeko’s the only one he can trust with this information. He’ll come out to Saeko first.

Then he starts high school and sees two boys kissing in the gym.

They’re ducked behind a wall so that they can only be seen from a specific angle, which Ryuu happens to be positioned at.  The wall obscures most of them, but he can still make out flushed cheeks and soft smiles and energy that feels palpable around them.  Ryuu is close enough to just barely feel it, and it’s something he can’t exactly understand. He wonders if this is what happiness looks like.

One of them is big, with short brown hair and a clean-shaven face that makes him look a little older than he probably is.  The other is just a little shorter, but he’s leaner, with longer gray hair.

When Ryuu thinks of people kissing, there’s always someone standing on their tiptoes.  These two boys are nearly nose to nose, but they look just like all the couples in the romance movies he’s seen over the years.

Something inside Ryuu squirms.  He’s not sure what that means.

He learns just a few minutes later, when he’s lined up next to four other first years, that those two boys are named Sawamura and Sugawara.  There’s another second year and a handful of third years, but Ryuu isn’t paying attention to them, even when he introduces himself. He’s too busy studying Sawamura and Sugawara, who stand on opposite sides of the crowd but keep glancing across the group of people when they think no one’s looking.  Maybe no one else is.

His attention is drawn away for the first time when a tiny kid moves out from the line of first years.  He’s just over a hundred fifty centimeters tall, with his slicked-up hair adding to what little height he has.  Ryuu isn’t sure he’s ever seen someone so short on a volleyball team, but that’s not really what captures his attention.

“I’m Nishinoya Yuu, from Chidoriyama Junior High!” the boy announces with a big grin.  His muscles are tight, but it’s not from nerves. At least, Ryuu doesn’t think so. “I’m a libero!”  With a cheeky grin, Nishinoya jerks his thumb back at himself, and suddenly he doesn’t seem so short anymore.

Ryuu knows he’s not straight, but he’s never exactly given it much thought past that.  He’s never had any _wow_ moment where everything clicks and he knows exactly what he’s meant to do.  He’s never had any _wow_ moment at all, really, unless you count his thirteenth birthday when he finally got that Nintendo 3DS he wanted so badly.

But as he looks down at Nishinoya, who bounces on the balls of his feet and clenches and unclenches his hands as he eagerly awaits the first practice of the year, Ryuu thinks he’d like to get to know him a little better.

He wonders if this is what a crush feels like.

 

 

According to Suga, it’s almost definitely a crush.

Ryuu had broken his silent promise to himself and come out to him first.  But he tells himself that he’ll apologize to Saeko when it comes up because really, what else is he supposed to do?  He doesn’t want to talk about _crushes_ with his _sister_.  He barely wants to talk to her at all.

And Daichi still seems a little too intimidating to talk to, even though he’s apparently going to be the captain next year and he’s “a lot nicer than he looks,” or so Suga says.

But Suga’s his boyfriend.  He _has_ to think that.  Probably. Ryuu isn’t ready to test it out either way.

At least he’s not as scary-looking as the other second year, but they tend to hang out together and as much as Ryuu _isn’t_ scared of either of them, he’s not about to have a three-way coming out, not when he doesn’t even know what to call himself.

But Suga is nice and approachable and he seems way more experienced than Ryuu could hope to be, even though he’s only a year older.  So he comes out to Suga first and decides he’ll tell Saeko second.

“So you’re gay?” Suga asks with a small smile, and it’s the first time Ryuu’s ever heard that word said out loud.

“I… guess?” he says, burying his head into his hands.  He doesn’t know what he is, but if Suga says it, it must be true.  “I don’t know… I like girls, too.”

“Bi?  Pan?” Suga guesses, and Ryuu doesn’t even pretend to follow along.  He tilts his head and draws up his lip into some kind of confused snarl.  Suga doesn’t even seem fazed by it. “I take it this is all new to you.”

Ryuu nods.  “I haven’t thought about it.  I don’t really care.”

“Well, that’s okay,” Suga says.  “You don’t have to think about it.”

“I wanna be Nishinoya’s friend, but… it’s different from any other feeling I’ve had,” Ryuu says.  “I’ve never really wanted a relationship with someone so much.”

“It sounds like a crush,” Suga confirms.  For some reason, the word doesn’t sit right with him.  But Ryuu doesn’t know any better, so he chooses to accept it anyway.

“I guess I am gay,” Ryuu says, more to himself than Suga.  “Or something like that.”

“Can I ask you something now?” Suga asks, leaning in almost imperceptibly.  His voice drops a few decibels, even though they’re alone in the club room and no one would hear them anyway.

It makes Ryuu uncomfortable.  “Uh, yeah, sure.”

“Why did you come to me about this?”  Ryuu cringes, and Suga instantly recoils, his hands flying in the air.  “Not—not that I don’t appreciate you coming to me for this, but—?”

“Oh, uh.”  Ryuu reaches up and scratches the back of his neck.  “Well I, um, saw you and—and Daichi, well, you guys were, you know…”

Suga pales and his eyes widen with horror.  But it lasts only a moment, and then he shakes his head and grabs Ryuu’s hand, a smile on his face.  It’s forced and tense, but Ryuu appreciates it nonetheless. “I’m glad it was you.”

 

 

Ryuu doesn’t see Daichi and Suga kissing in the gym before practice anymore.

 

 

Noya—that’s the nickname he gave Nishinoya about three weeks into the year, and he’s happy it was so well-received—receives Ryuu’s spike so cleanly that he’s once again reminded just how talented Noya is.  It’s no wonder he went to a powerhouse school, and it’s no wonder he can pick up even Ryuu’s most powerful spikes.

He’s definitely something else.

And Ryuu has a crush.

He thinks.

If he’s gay, does that mean he’s supposed to kiss boys, like Suga and Daichi?  Is he supposed to go on dates and fall in love and grow old with another boy? It doesn’t exactly make sense to him, but he doesn’t know what else to expect, either.

But if he has to kiss a boy to be gay, he’d rather it be Noya than someone else.

He thinks.

 

 

Somehow, Ryuu and Noya end up bonding over their manager, Shimizu.  Ryuu agrees that she’s drop-dead gorgeous, and he thinks he’d like to befriend her too (is that a crush too? does that make him straight?), but Noya seems way more into it than Ryuu feels.  Ryuu is content to watch her from a distance and scare creepy guys away from her. Noya, though, comes back with a throbbing red handprint on his face one day and Ryuu realizes that there’s a big difference between what they want.

But he’s not about to let Noya know that.

It’s about halfway through the third trimester of their first year, and they’ve become good friends.  Noya comes over to his house regularly, and he even seems interested in Saeko, which poses two problems.

One, that’s his sister and _why_ would someone as cool as Noya be interested in someone as lame as Saeko?

Two, Ryuu still can’t figure out what “interested” entails.

He’s seen people date before.  He knows what it looks like. Two people who hold hands and kiss and share secret looks and spend all their time together.  He’s lost many a friend to the dreaded dating pool, ever since junior high. He has more than enough experience from watching romcoms with Saeko when he has nothing better to do.  He knows about _love_ and _romance_ and he even knows a little about _sex_ , even though Saeko refuses to show him those kinds of films (he’s not sure what the big deal is, but apparently the internet disagrees with him).

So yeah.  He knows what it looks like, but for the life of him he can’t figure out what it feels like.

Suga told him it’s what he’s feeling right now for Noya, but even that doesn’t seem exactly right.  He feels like there’s something missing, something that Noya has and he doesn’t.

All he knows is that he’s different somehow, and no matter how much he tries to catch up to everyone else, he can’t seem to grasp what they so easily hold in their hearts.

He doesn’t tell anyone this though.

Shimizu slaps him the next day, and Noya excitedly asks him to compare their “battle scars.”

 

 

He missed his chance.

He thought things were going great with Noya because of course they were.  They’re best buds! It’s everything he wanted!

Or it’s what he _thought_ he wanted, at least.

Then he catches Noya discreetly holding Asahi’s hand, and he realizes he’s completely unsatisfied with what he had with Noya.

It’s a few weeks into April and they’re second years now.  Things are different, but the team is back together, with a bunch of talented first years to add to their power.  Their ace and libero are back in action, and everything’s fine. Ryuu thought that was enough.

He notices Noya and Asahi in the gym closet near the end of practice one day, and though it’s dark, Ryuu can definitely see them holding hands while they pretend to grab brooms.

He decides not to question it at first.

The next couple weeks find him spending more time with Daichi and Suga.  Noya’s always busy now.

“What’s he even doing?” Ryuu complains, flopping bodily across Suga’s western-style bed.  Daichi and Suga are on the floor, thighs and shoulders touching as they look through a bin to find a movie to watch.

It’s Daichi who looks up first and flashes him that pitying, dad-like smile he tends to wear whenever Ryuu starts complaining.  “He’s hanging out with Asahi tonight.”

“Again?”  Ryuu pulls a pillow away from the headboard and hugs it tight against his chest.

“He didn’t say anything to you?” Suga asks this time, pulling another DVD case from the bin and inspecting it before putting it back in its place.  “Asahi mentioned they were going to Noya’s house after practice.”

“That sneaky little bastard,” Ryuu mumbles, his words muffled and distorted by the pillow.

“I don’t want to speculate, but…”  Suga trails off then shakes his head, deciding it better to not say anything.

But Ryuu isn’t gonna let Suga get away with that.  “Speculate what?” he says, pushing himself upright.

Daichi pulls out another DVD, but his eyes are on Suga now.  “Suga… we shouldn’t.”

Suga sighs and plucks the movie from Daichi’s fingers.  “You’re right. Sorry, Ryuu, but it’s not my place to say anything.”

Ryuu groans loudly and falls back on the bed.  The wall catches him halfway down and he lets out a loud grunt of pain when his head connects with the plaster.

It’s easy to take down one of them when they’re alone.  Ryuu can make either of them cave with his charm and wit.  But together, they have a strong will more formidable than Date Tech’s iron wall, and even Ryuu can’t get anything out of them.  They’re too in-sync, too good at balancing each other out.

If it didn’t infuriate him, he’d almost wish to have a partner like that.  But that’s not the kind of person Noya is, and he wouldn’t want to change him anyway.

And while Noya _isn’t_ his partner, Ryuu can’t think of anyone else he’d like to have that status.

“I’ll figure it out eventually…” Ryuu threatens in a hopeless attempt to squeeze the information out of them.

“Why don’t you try asking Noya yourself?” Daichi suggests.  “You’re great with confrontation!”

Suga chuckles and pushes lightly against Daichi’s chest before tilting up his head to kiss him.  “Don’t be mean, Daichi.”

“I’m just telling the truth!”  He raises his hands to defend himself, but Suga grabs them both and places them in his lap, holding them gently.

Ryuu feels weird watching the display, like this is something he’s supposed to want for himself.  If he’s gay, maybe he is.

He doesn’t know anymore.

 

 

It turns out they’re dating.

Daichi’s right; he’s good at confrontation.  So he swallows the nerves that had the audacity to rise in his throat and blurts out the question without hesitation.

“What’s going on with you and Asahi?”

Noya’s taken aback, and he stops dead in their walk back home.  They had parted with the rest of the volleyball team back at Ukai’s store, and they still have a ways to go before they split off from each other.  This is the only time they’re completely alone.

“What—what do you mean?” Noya asks, looking up at Ryuu like he’s been caught red-handed committing some heinous crime.

“Well, I, uh, you’ve been hanging out a lot more with Asahi, and you barely return my emails,” he says, pointing an accusatory finger at Noya.  “You don’t even flirt with Kiyoko as much anymore.”

The word “flirt” sounds weird on his tongue, like it’s not meant for him.  He brushes it off.

Noya’s face falls, but at least he doesn’t look alarmed anymore.  “Well, that’s… uh, things have… changed…”

“Changed?”  Ryuu’s doesn’t know what that means, but he knows that he doesn’t like where this is headed.

“You know I, uh, liked Kiyoko,” Noya says, but he won’t meet Ryuu’s eyes.  He runs his hands through his hair, and the spikes lose some of their spring.  Ryuu’s heart pounds against his chest, and he feels like he can’t breathe. “I don’t just like… girls.”

Ryuu knows where this is going now, but he can’t make himself say anything, make himself move, make himself do _anything_.  So he stares at Noya until he continues.

“At the end of last year, I kinda… started liking Asahi.  And now we’re dating.”

There it is.

He’s never liked that word, because it always meant he was about to lose a friend.

He really, really doesn’t want to lose Noya.

“That’s okay, right?”  His voice is soft and insecure and scared, like he isn’t expecting Ryuu to be okay with this.

Well, he’s not, but not for the reasons Noya thinks.

“Of course it’s okay.”  It’s a lie, but what else can he say?  Noya breathes out his relief, and Ryuu can feel the emotion radiating off of his body.  He doesn’t know how to be upset when Noya’s so obviously happy about this.

Then Noya surges forward and shoves his face in Ryuu’s.  “Promise you won’t tell anyone about this,” he demands, and it takes all of Ryuu’s energy to nod.  Noya backs up a little. “Good. I’m, um, not really sure how this works yet, and I’m a little scared right now.  So I don’t want anyone to know.”

“Have you told anyone else?”  That’s not what Ryuu meant to ask.

Noya shakes his head.  “No, you’re the only one.”

Suga’s face appears in his mind’s eye.  “You should tell Suga and Daichi,” he says.

Noya’s face contorts into some kind of horror, and he takes a step back.  “What? Why?”

It occurs to Ryuu a little late that he may be the only person that knows about their relationship, or at least one of the only people.  They weren’t exactly open about it. So he backtracks. “I, um, uh, well—Daichi’s the captain, and Suga’s good at advice, so um…”

Noya sighs and runs a hand down his face.  “I guess you’re right. Asahi’s probably told them, anyway.  He has no idea how to keep secrets from those two.”

Ryuu closes his eyes, thankful that he avoided accidentally outing his friends.  Then the relief fades and all that’s left is the dread that’s welled up inside him, ready to burst.  “Y-yeah, dude’s got no chill.”

He’s good at keeping up appearances, though.  He has practice.

Noya rolls his eyes and smirks, but it’s filled with some kind of fondness Ryuu’s never seen on his face before.  He wishes Noya would look at him that way, too.

“He’s really sweet, though.  We went on a date—well, kinda.  It was in the park after dark so no one was around, and we just sat on a bench and ate ice cream—but he brought a couple flowers tied in a ribbon and I was _so_ embarrassed.  I thought I was gonna die right there!”  Noya keeps gushing like some kind of floodgates have opened, and he finally starts forward so they can continue their walk home.

Ryuu lags behind a couple of steps.

“But I didn’t die, obviously.  I’m just not used to this kind of thing at _all_ , and I’m not sure what to expect.  Asahi always seems to know what he’s doing, though.  I’m kinda jealous that I can’t be as perfect as him.”

Jealous.

Ryuu guesses that’s the best word to describe what he’s feeling right now.

Something about it doesn’t feel exactly right, though.

“He’s super over-the-top romantic, and I’ve never even dated before!  I don’t know what to do here, but he’s super supportive and he’s fine with taking things slow.  He doesn’t want anyone to know, either.”

Ryuu nods.  Noya doesn’t look back to notice.

“I’ve never been in this kind of situation before, not even with a girl.  You’ve dated before though, haven’t you, Ryuu? I’m sure you’ve got all sorts of tips!”

Noya finally looks back, and Ryuu quickly lifts his frown into a cheeky grin.  He forces out a laugh. “Sorry bro, I’m saving myself for Kiyoko-chan!”

Noya blinks, suddenly thoughtful.  “I guess I’ve never heard you talk about any past girlfriends before.  Looks like I beat you on this one, then!” He sticks his tongue out, and Ryuu’s heart clenches because he’s not sure how much longer he can hold out.

He laughs again, racing ahead of Noya.  “Just wait ‘til I finally win Kiyoko over.  Then you’ll be worshipping the ground I walk on!”

Without Noya’s eyes on him, he lets his smile fall.

 

 

They don’t talk that much anymore, not outside of practice.  Noya’s always hanging out with Asahi.

Ryuu still isn’t sure what he wants, only that he missed his chance to get it.

He officially comes out to Daichi.  He already knew, since Ryuu’s been crying over Noya in his and Suga’s bedrooms for the past month, but Daichi wanted to wait until he told him outright before he said anything.

He still hasn’t come out to Saeko.  She’s steadily moving down the list, but he swears he’ll tell her one day, once all this Noya drama is over.

It’s easier to talk to both Daichi and Suga about this than just Suga alone.  Mostly because Suga is never actually _alone_.  They still haven’t publicized their relationship, but they spend all their time out of school together, studying or going on dates or passing volleyballs back and forth in the park.

Now he can talk to them both without having to skirt around details.

“I like him a lot,” Ryuu bemoans, falling dramatically into Daichi’s arms.  He knows he’ll catch him because Daichi’s their strong, reliable foundation.  Daichi grunts under Ryuu’s weight, but he doesn’t let go.

“Yes, we know,” he says, and Suga chuckles from across the room.

Of course they know; he won’t shut up about it.  But he can’t help it. He has no other outlet for his feelings.

“I like him _so much_ ,” as if changing the inflection will make anything different.

 

 

He’s starting to realize he doesn’t like Noya in _that way_.

He’s not exactly sure what _that way_ is, but he knows it involves lots of kissing and lots of sappy romantic shit and frankly that just makes him uncomfortable.

But he still likes Noya, and he’s still jealous of Asahi.  He just doesn’t know why.

He feels stupid.

If all he wants is to be Noya’s friend, then he has it.  Sure, they don’t talk that much anymore, not when Noya spends all his free time hanging around Asahi.  But they’re still bros, and they still make a killer duo on the court. Noya still studies with him because Asahi has no idea what he’s doing and he’s basically given up on school anyway.

And he wants to be Noya’s friend.  He thinks. It’s something like that.

He definitely doesn’t want to date him.  Not if it involves any of that mushy romantic stuff.  He’s uncomfortable enough just watching it. It makes him feel like he’s missing out on something that he doesn’t even want.  Like feeling hungry and watching Saeko scarf down an entire burnt chicken in one sitting. It’s not a pleasant feeling.

Maybe he’s not gay.

Maybe he’s just faking it, and all he wants is a friend.

That must be it.

 

 

Ryuu’s avoiding Noya now.  Through the stress of practice, Ryuu’s barely had time to think about the situation he’s in.  But it’s over, for now. They got through their match against Shiratorizawa, and he can finally think again.

He doesn’t want to think.

Because thinking leads to confusion, and he’s never been so confused in his life.

He’s never thought about things like this, and now he has to, and he’s not prepared at all.  It’s been over a year, and he still hasn’t figured anything out. All he knows is that he wants Noya to smile at him like he smiles at Asahi, and he wants to play games with him and spend nights at his house and maybe spend the rest of his life with him.

That’s gay, isn’t it?

But he doesn’t want to kiss Noya.  And he doesn’t want to do… anything else with him either.  He doesn’t want something like what Noya and Asahi have. He doesn’t want something like what Suga and Daichi have.

Then it’s not gay.

Is it?

He hates thinking.

 

 

As always, he should have asked Suga about this.  He should have gotten the hint in their first conversation, when he was throwing out weird words left and right, but he was so confused at the time that nothing stuck.

But Suga knows everything, apparently.  And by extension, so does Daichi, since they have some kind of throbbing, conjoined mind that communicates telepathically and shares every nitty-gritty detail they happen to hear.

Somehow along the way, they catch wind of his internal meltdown and sit him down for an intervention.  (It’s probably because he missed all of his spikes at the last practice, and the one before that, and the one before that, but he’s not willing to admit that out loud.)

“What’s bothering you?” Daichi says, cutting right to the point.  No bullshit as usual, which makes it hard for Ryuu to spew his own.  He grumbles something under his breath instead.

“You haven’t been paying attention lately, and your mind keeps wandering,” Suga says, looking down at him with a stern face and narrowed eyes.  “We can’t go to the Spring Tournament with you acting like this.”

Ryuu’s face is pressed into the surface of the kotatsu in Daichi’s apartment.  He groans loudly and dramatically, because that’s what he’s known for, but he responds with some kind of coherence nonetheless.  “I know.”

“Maybe we can help,” Daichi offers, shoving his hand under Ryuu’s head and prying it off the table.  Ryuu’s reluctant to give in because he’s eighty percent certain there’s a puddle of drool on the table that he doesn’t want Daichi to see.  He covers it with his arm before his head is all the way upright.

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” he admits, propping his head up with his free hand.

“Then let us help.”  Suga rests his hands on Daichi’s lap.  They’re the only ones at home, so they’re more openly affectionate.

Ryuu grimaces and groans, but he tries to find something he can say.  He’s sick of trying to figure this out on his own, anyway. “I like Noya—”

“We know.”

“— _but_ I don’t know if it’s… you know, like _that_.”

Suga blinks once, twice.  “Like what?”

He looks at Daichi.  Daichi shrugs.

“It’s um…”  Ryuu trails off and sighs.  “I don’t wanna do all that… kissy-kissy stuff you guys do.  Or the, uh, the other stuff.”

Daichi stares at Ryuu for a moment, and he can almost see the gears turning under the mop of brown hair.  “So… you want to be friends with him?”

“Yes!  No!” Ryuu grabs at his head with both hands, forgetting about the drool he was hiding.  “I don’t know what I want! I just… I don’t feel those things like you guys do. I don’t know _what_ I feel.”

Then Suga perks up, and there are stars in his eyes.  “Oh! You’re ace!”

There’s a silence, and Ryuu isn’t sure what Suga is saying.  “No, that’s Asahi.”

It’s Suga’s turn to groan.  “That’s not what I meant.”

Daichi rests a hand on Suga’s shoulder and pulls him into a reassuring hug, a countermeasure against Ryuu’s stupidity.  “He means asexual,” he clarifies, but it doesn’t actually clear anything up.

“Huh.”  Ryuu drops his hands hard onto the table.

“It’s when someone isn’t attracted to people.  Sexually, that is.” Suga looks hopeful.

“You mean… like sex?”  Ryuu can’t help but contort his face in his disgust, and he suddenly feels very, very awkward having this conversation.

“Yes, like sex,” Suga says, his hopeful expression wavering.  “You don’t find people sexually appealing, right?” He speaks slowly and clearly, like he’s talking to a child.

Ryuu thinks hard.  But he hates thinking, and he gives up without much effort at all.  “I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it! What does that even _mean_?”

Daichi puts a hand to his face, his other snaking further around Suga’s shoulders to grab at one of Suga’s hands.

Ryuu keeps going.  “I guess I’ve never really considered it.  I don’t… really _get_ that kinda stuff.  I only know the basics.  I never thought I needed to know this kind of thing.  Not until, like, I’m _married_ or something.”

Daichi’s eyebrows raise a little from behind the slits created by his fingers.  “You’re right, Suga.”

“That’s nothing new,” Suga agrees with a little chuckle.

“But—but even if I _am_ this, uh…”

“Asexual.”

“Asexual, right.”  Ryuu nods. “It’s not just about sex.  I don’t want… _anything_ like that.  Like you guys.  Uh, no offense.”

Daichi smirks, but his cheeks are pink and he looks so uncomfortable and Ryuu feels like he could die.

“Maybe aromantic, too?” Suga suggests.  He doesn’t even wait for Ryuu’s confusion and instead barrels straight into an explanation.  “It’s like asexuality, but with romance. You don’t find people romantically attractive.”

“Uh…”  Ryuu tries but fails to come up with a response to that.

“You don’t want to date people,” Daichi says bluntly.

“Well, it’s more complicated than that, but I guess that’s the gist.”  Suga sighs.

Ryuu pushes himself up from the kotatsu, banging his knee against the underside.  “Yeah! That’s it!”

Suga claps a few times in some kind of mock celebration, and Daichi can’t help but smile at him.

Then Ryuu remembers the situation he’s in and sinks back to the floor, slow and cautious.  “But… that’s not gay.”

“Well—” Suga starts, but he’s cut off by Daichi jabbing him in his side.  “Well no, not technically.”

“So I’m not gay.”

Daichi answers this time.  “No, you’re not gay.”

“Then…”  Ryuu scrunches up his face.  “Then what the fuck is up with Noya?”

Suga groans and buries his face into Daichi’s chest.  “I can’t do this anymore.” Daichi rubs soothing circles into Suga’s back with his thumb.

“He’s something else, I guess,” Daichi says.  “Something… uh, platonic. Sorry, I don’t know much about this.”

Ryuu turns to Suga hopefully, but Suga’s mentally dead and way too focused on Daichi’s touch to even acknowledge him.

“You’ll figure it out, Tanaka.”  Daichi smiles brightly this time, and it’s genuine and reassuring.  “You’ve got the words now.”

Ryuu nods.  He doesn’t know everything, but he’s also an idiot and he’s used to not knowing.

Asexual.  Aromantic.

Ryuu returns Daichi’s smile, and for the first time in months, it’s not plastered on.

 

 

Ryuu hates not knowing.  He may be used to it, but he still hates it.  He hates not knowing what comes next or what to do or how to behave or what to say.

He doesn’t talk to Noya for a few days.

 

 

Ryuu talks to Noya again when he doesn’t receive his serve.  It bounces past Noya, and the gym is quiet as they all watch it roll across the floor.  Noya hadn’t even moved to get it.

“Uh—sorry!” Noya calls, and he shakes his head, but he and Ryuu have been friends for almost two years and Ryuu can tell that something’s wrong.  It’s probably his fault.

Noya misses three more of Ryuu’s spikes.  That means there’s no getting around this.  They have to talk.

So he pulls Noya outside as soon as practice is done.  The setting sun bathes everything in a golden orange glow.  Ryuu ignores the beauty of nature and looks at the beauty in front of him.

No, that’s way too cheesy for him to even be thinking that.  He takes it back.

“What’s going on, bro?” Ryuu asks, his hands hovering uncertainly in the air in front of him.  He wants to put them on Noya’s shoulders, give him some kind of comfort through osmosis, but he’s not sure how far he’s allowed to go.  He’s almost bitter when he remembers that just a few months ago, casually touching each other wouldn’t have even been a problem.

Noya’s nose wrinkles up and his brows furrow and he opens his mouth like he’s going to yell.  But his words come out quiet. “You haven’t talked to me all week,” he says, and they’re just as angry as they would be if he _had_ yelled.  “I thought I did something wrong.”

Ryuu feels a pool of guilt roil in his stomach, and he thinks he’d much rather practice dives for three days straight than participate in this conversation.  But Daichi said he’s good at confrontation, and he’s not about to let Daichi down.

“No, no, you didn’t do anything,” Ryuu says.  His breath is shuddery and loaded with emotions he doesn’t want.

“Then why are you avoiding me?”  Noya doesn’t sound angry anymore, which is probably an improvement.  But he sounds genuinely confused and almost hurt, and Ryuu thinks that might actually be worse.

“I’m, uh, going through a lot right now.”  It’s not a lie.

Noya doesn’t believe him.  Of course he wouldn't. They’re best friends.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Noya asks suspiciously, narrowing his eyes and leaning in.  It’s too close, and Ryuu’s heart is speeding up. He doesn’t want to deal with this right now.  He can’t.

“I, um, it’s a long story, I’ve got—I’ve got a lot of homework!  Yeah.” It’s total bullshit, and Noya knows it’s bullshit, but Ryuu’s already backing away toward the club room.  He leaves Noya standing there as the sun casts a deep shadow on him. He can’t see his face.

He feels like he let Daichi down.

 

 

He’s going to come out to Noya.

He’s definitely, absolutely going to come out to Noya.

He’s going to tell him everything and be totally honest about it and tell him how he feels.

He may not know exactly how he feels himself, but he’s going to do his best to explain it to him.

He’s gonna do it.

Definitely.

 

 

Ryuu skips school.

 

 

It’s Sunday, and he wants to stay in bed with the blankets of his futon pulled over his head and never greet the encroaching sunlight because that would mean he has to move forward.  He’s not ready to move forward.

That doesn’t happen, though, and Saeko shoves him out the door without even a goodbye.  Something about him not being lazy on such a beautiful day. Ryuu doesn’t think it’s all that beautiful, but he doesn’t have the energy to argue.

He starts walking.

And he keeps walking until he finds himself at Noya’s house.  He hasn’t been here in a while, only a few times since Noya started dating Asahi.  Too long.

He knocks on Noya’s door.  There’s no answer. He waits one minute, then another, and after five minutes pass he turns to leave.  But he doesn’t make it past the doorstep and he sinks to the ground, trying to decide what to do.

He doesn’t know.

When has he ever?

The thought gives him a little more confidence than he thought it would, and he feels like he can breathe a little easier.

Daichi’s right.  He’s not a thinker, but he’s good at confrontation.  He’s charismatic and he knows how to work through situations in the heat of the moment.  Which means he can do this.

WIth a breath that finally doesn’t tremble, he pushes himself up and stands before the door again.

He remembers that no one’s home.

“Shit.”

“Ryuu?”

Ryuu turns and sees Noya carrying two large paper bags piled high with groceries.  He’s staring wide-eyed at him, and they’re both frozen in place.

Ryuu breaks through the ice freezing his legs first and leaps off the doorstep to grab one of Noya’s bags.  Noya relinquishes it gratefully and shifts the remaining bag in his arms so it’s more comfortable.

“I need to talk to you,” Ryuu says, swallowing hard around the bile in his throat.

Noya just nods.

 

 

“I don’t know what that means,” Noya says, shaking his head.  “Sorry.”

“Oh, uh, don’t worry,” Ryuu says.  “I don’t either.”

Noya gives him a funny look, but he doesn’t say anything about it.  “So if you’re… aromantic and um, asexual, then…”

“I don’t know,” Ryuu says, and he feels his cheeks prickle with heat.  “I’m really new to this.”

Noya nods like he understands, even though Ryuu knows he doesn’t.  It’s reassuring.

“I didn’t know how to tell you, or _what_ to tell you,” he admits.

“Well, you didn’t have to go sneaking around,” Noya says, reaching out to playfully punch Ryuu’s arm.  “I thought you had, like, some incurable disease or something.”

“ _What?_ ”  Ryuu blanches, splaying his arms across the table between them.  “No, I’d definitely tell you if that happened. Also I probably wouldn’t be playing volleyball.”

“You never know.  You’re really stubborn,” Noya counters, and Ryuu can’t argue with that.  “But I’m glad it’s just something like this. I was really worried something happened between us.”

Noya sighs in relief at the same time Ryuu’s stomach sinks.

“Well.”

Noya freezes at that one word.

“Um.”

Noya looks him in the eye, and Ryuu almost chickens out.

Then he sees Daichi in the back of his mind and he decides he’s more scared of what Daichi will do to him if he complains about Noya one more time than he is of Noya’s reaction.

“That’s not all I have to tell you,” he says lamely, and Noya looks almost scared.“Is everything okay?” Noya asks cautiously, and there’s a little pout in his frown and Ryuu thinks it’s so cute he might literally explode.

“I like you a lot.”  The words come out rushed and slurred together and he’s not even sure Noya will be able to understand him, but he’s said it.  He did it.

Noya blinks.

He blinks again.

There’s a big, uncomfortable silence hanging in the air and pressing down on Ryuu and he feels like he’s suffocating, but he pushes back against it because he _has_ to do this.“I thought you didn’t like people like that,” Noya says, and Ryuu isn’t prepared for that question.  He was expecting like… rejection. Or something.

“I mean—it’s, uh.  It’s not like _that_ , it’s, well—”  Ryuu cuts himself off, takes a breath, and tries again.  “I like you, but it’s not like… I don’t want to _date_ you or anything.”

“So like friends?” Noya asks.  It’s innocent enough, but it frustrates Ryuu to no end.  Mostly because he has no idea how to explain it himself.

“No!  I don’t know.  I don’t know what it is,” he says, and his shoulders slump forward in defeat.  “I want to be close to you. More than anyone else. But not like… dating.”

“Oh.”

There’s a silence.

“But I’m still dating Asahi, you know,” Noya says.  It’s not rude or insulting, and Ryuu knows that. It’s just the facts.  And he wouldn’t ask Noya to give up anyone that made him happy. It’s just—

He doesn’t know.

“I know that, I just… needed to tell you this.”  Ryuu scratches the back of his neck.

Noya’s quiet for a moment.  He’s thinking, and his face is scrunched up and so, so cute.  “Is it okay if I talk to Asahi about this?”

Ryuu wants to say no.  He doesn’t want anyone else to know, really.  Not even Saeko. But he finds himself nodding because what else is he supposed to do?

Noya smiles, and though it doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s comforting.

 

 

The next day, Asahi and Noya bombard him together.  They corner him in the club room after everyone else has left for practice.  He’s standing in his boxers staring at them. Alone.

In his boxers.

“You’re in!” Noya announces, bouncing up and down excitedly.  He’s practically clinging to Asahi, fisting his hands in his T-shirt to give him height leverage as he jumps.

Asahi, too, has a wide grin on his face.

Ryuu has no idea what’s going on.

“I’m in what?” he asks.

Noya stops bouncing long enough to gesture between himself and Asahi.  “The—us!”

Ryuu’s heart skips a beat.  “Huh.”

Asahi leans his arm on Noya’s shoulder, forcing him to stand still for once.  “We talked about it yesterday, and we wanted to, you know, date you. I mean, not _date_ , but like, your kind of dating.”

“My _what?_ ”  Ryuu squirms, and if he wasn’t uncomfortably aware before that he’s half naked, he sure as hell is now.

“You said you don’t want to date like we do.”  Noya points at himself and then Asahi. “But we talked about it, and then we talked to Suga—”

“You _what?_ ”  Ryuu feels kind of like dying.

“Well, he’s the expert on these things,” Asahi says with a shrug.  Ryuu deflates a little.

“He explained things a little better, and I think I get it now,” Noya says.  Asahi nods in agreement. “And, like, it’s not exactly the same as me and Asahi, but you’re my bro.”

Ryuu feels a sting in his eyes and a swell in his heart.  “So…”

“I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work, and you’re terrible at explaining things,” Noya says.  “But I think I want whatever you were describing. And Asahi’s okay with it.”

The world stops around Ryuu and he forgets to breathe.  It takes him a moment to process everything, from the stagnant air brushing against his bare legs to the actual meaning of the words Noya’s saying.  When he figures it out, everything moves in fast forward.

“You like me?” he blurts out, because that’s absolutely the most important thing to confirm right now.

“Well, yeah.  I’ve liked you since we were first years,” Noya says, and there’s a dusting of pink across his cheeks.  “I had an actual crush on you for a while last year.”

Asahi’s eyes balk and he leans back to get a better look at Noya.  “You did? You didn’t tell me that!”

“I barely knew you then!” Noya counters, jumping up and down to meet Asahi’s eye level.  “I don’t go around telling strangers about my crushes!”

Asahi sighs and gives in because there’s no way to win when Noya’s fired up like that.

Ryuu’s barely paying attention to it at all.  “You like me…”Noya pauses his rant when he hears that and he turns to face him.  “Well, yeah. You’re… likable, I guess.” He laughs, but his muscles are tense and his ears are pink and Ryuu wants to hug him and never let him go.

“I like you, too.”  Noya already knows that, but it doesn’t stop Ryuu from repeating himself.  “A lot.”

“I know,” he says, and his cheeks heat up even more.

“Just don’t go running off without me,” Asahi says, but he looks a lot more comfortable with the setup than he apparently cares to admit.

Noya snakes his arm up Asahi’s chest and pulls him down hard so that he’s level with him, then plants a kiss right on his lips.  “I’d never leave you behind.”

 

 

Saeko is the fifth person he comes out to, and he gets the reaction he was expecting: “I knew it!”

She doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about when he tries to explain it, but she’s smug nevertheless and he’s glad he finally told her.

 

 

They don’t know how any of this is supposed to work.  It’s messy and awkward and no one knows how far they want to go with each other.  It’s annoying and frustrating and scheduling is hell, and they’re still not even sure what to call their little arrangement.

But, Ryuu thinks as he sits on his floor with Noya nestled comfortably in the middle of him and Asahi, both of them curled around Noya like he’s some pillow for them to lie on, it’s not so bad.  Because they’re happy right now.

None of them pay attention to the movie on the screen because they’re too engrossed in each other.

Ryuu feels Noya’s warmth under him and around him.  He feels Asahi’s calming presence. Both are soothing to him, and he realizes this is what he wanted.

He reminds himself to thank Suga later.

**Author's Note:**

> tanaka is a bi aroace in a qpr with noya, who's also dating asahi. that's just the hard cold facts, my dudes.
> 
> you can find me on my tumblr [@stellunaria!](http://stellunaria.tumblr.com/)


End file.
